Dying to hear back from Linden Lab, but can’t be bothered actually sending them something? Or have you been waiting weeks for a reply?

Trouble yourself no longer, you can now have the reply you’ve always dreamed of!

Firstly, you’ll need to write in Linden Voice. This isn’t too hard, actually. Linden Voice is upbeat, neutral and a bit bland, and almost always in English passive voice.

Anywhere you would write customers or users, write Residents or Resis.

Now, let’s follow along with the template, keeping in mind what you want to say to the Lab.

Template:

[Greeting][Your name here]

[Thanks for email/fax/phone-call or just substitute “for contacting us”]

[Pleasure/interest at getting feedback from you]

[If you called the Lab rude names, or were insulting, insert a generic statement of appreciation of the service having so many passionate users]

[If something you do benefits the Lab (or doesn’t but could be interpreted that way under poor lighting conditions): Positive thanks and appreciation for your efforts]

[Vague wish to continue improving communications]

[If you asked for information: a statement that it is against policy to discuss it with you]

[If you asked for action: a statement that the Lab is unable to take that action for you]

[A link to a blog post or wiki page that doesn’t really have a lot to do with what you were communicating about or that contains information that you already demonstrated you are aware of]

[If the Lab took some action that destroyed your content, ruined your business, or upset you and your friends somehow: a statement that the situation is complex or that the consequences could not have been foreseen, followed by a statement that it was not intended. Do not use any form of apology, except to indicate undirected regret without any hint of liability]

[If the matter relates to the behavior of another user, anything to do with an abuse report, suspension or banning, IP rights infringement, or any legal matter: a statement that it is against policy to discuss it with you]

[If you are having problems with viewer 2 you may opt use the more direct “Get over it”]

[If something you do benefits the Lab (or doesn’t but could be interpreted that way under poor lighting conditions): Positive thanks and appreciation for your efforts]

Sincerely [Never anything else]

[Linden name here]

While this template has often been called Linden speech #3, there’s not much evidence to suggest that there’s been a #1 or a #2. It generally works about as well in-world as by email, fax and phone (assuming you don’t interrupt).

Enjoy your own personalized response from Linden Lab! Consider framing it. Get it laminated if you’d like to protect it from coffee/soda sprays when showing it to friends.



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